Showing posts with label The Onion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Onion. Show all posts

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Dude Where"s My Troops? Pentagon Loses Track Of 44,000 Soldiers

"The spirit of this country is totally adverse to a large military force," said Thomas Jefferson in an 1807 letter to Chandler Price. And what would the nation"s third president and principal author of the Declaration of Independence say of today"s American "global force" deployed across the earth?


America"s "global military presence" is not hyperbole, but a literal fact, as a new Department of Defense study has found that US military personnel are stationed in literally every nation on the earth. The report bluntly confirms that, "The United States has military personnel in nearly every country in the world, ranging from two liaison officers in Fiji to tens of thousands from all of the service branches in Japan and Germany, according to the report."


But perhaps more important and equally absurd (when one considers the original beginnings of the humble "republic" envisioned by founders like Madison and Jefferson) is the fact that America"s world-wide military presence is such that the Pentagon itself can"t track how many US service members are deployed where. A new bombshell article in Stars and Stripes military newspaper is non-ironically headlined, "Report: 44,000 ‘unknown’ military personnel stationed around the world".



The Stripes article opens with a line that would seem straight out of the Onion, yet matter-of-factly states, "The U.S. military has more than 44,000 troops across the globe that the Pentagon claims it cannot track, according to a recent report."


The Pentagon"s system for accounting troop deployment numbers, maintained by the Defense Manpower Data Center under the Office of the Secretary of Defense, lists up to 44,000 troops in a country location category labeled "Unknown". 


The report has come to light after a series of recent Pentagon press briefings on military actions in the Middle East and Africa which left journalists scratching their heads. For example the latest DoD admission that there are "about 2,000 troops in Syria" - four times the previously acknowledged figure - came after a late October Pentagon presser wherein an Army spokesman told reporters that 4,000 troops were deployed to Syria, after which he awkwardly walked back the statement less than 30 seconds later, saying "I"m sorry I mispoke there - there are approximately 500 troops in Syria".


And when news broke of the October 4 ambush and deaths of four elite Green Beret soldiers in Niger, the immediate reaction voiced among congressional leaders and echoed generally in the media was: "we have troops in Niger?" - after which it came to light that the US has at least 6,000 military personnel spread across the African continent, though few knew of AFRICOM"s (US Africa Command) dangerously burgeoning number of undisclosed daily missions. 



Where are they? Image source: US Marine Corps


“We are not at a point where we can give numbers other than those officially stated,” said Army Col. Rob Manning, quoted in Stripes. Though as Stripes acknowledges it appears that this is due more to the Pentagon simply not knowing where it has stationed thousands of troops rather than the officially stated reasons of "secrecy" and force protection from enemies. The Army spokesman further asserted, “Our commitment is to be as transparent as we can, within the constraints of operation security,” but it"s also that case that, "The Pentagon acknowledged in a statement that it has no good way to track how many service members are stationed overseas, where they are and when they were there," according to Stripes. 


A Pentagon statement also ambiguously acknowledged that its troop tracking methods will inevitably miscalculate the locations of its roughly 1.3 million total personnel across all branches, based on the worrisome reasoning that "there is no easy way to track all deployments":


“There is no one personnel system in the [Defense Department] that tracks the daily location of all DoD personnel. There is no easy way to track all deployments, training exercises, TDY (being attached to another unit for training or specific missions, typically for less than six months) or temporary assignments,” according to the statement. “If you take the total numbers assigned in the United States and assigned overseas, and add the ‘Unknown,’ you get the total force numbers for each service.”



The report also comes after President Trump unveiled a new Afghan strategy last summer, saying the US would not pull out of the now 16-year long war but would instead inject more troops into the country for increased anti-terror operations.  According to recent statements from the Pentagon, the total number of US soldiers in Afghanistan has risen to about 14,000, though accounting procures have been especially unclear concerning the nation"s longest running war.


When Secretary of Defense James Mattis was asked during a news conference last summer about troops levels in Afghanistan he said, “There’s a very strange accounting procedure I inherited... What I’m probably going to end up doing is out putting everyone into one thing and saying, ‘Here’s how many are really there now."


And none of this addresses the even greater numbers of civilian contractors in global hot spots where America is present. According to Stripes, "The United States maintains 23,659 contractors in Afghanistan and 4,609 in Iraq, according to a fourth-quarter 2017 report from the Defense Department."


Given that we learned this week of 44,000 troops stationed in locations the Pentagon itself deems "unknown", perhaps we are long overdue for a massive drawback of overseas forces and bloated military budgets? Of course if the Pentagon can"t find them in the first place, it might be hard to bring them home.









Tuesday, September 12, 2017

What Happened To "What Happened": Amazon Slashes Hillary's Book Price 40% Before It Hits Shelves

Last Friday, in an attempt at humor, we shared a satirical note from The Onion suggesting that Hillary had already begun work on a follow-up book, entitled "What Also Happened," intended to define precisely who was to blame for the failure of her first book, "What Happened."


Alas, if prices are any indicator of demand, which they"re pretty much universally accepted to be unless you"re discussing minimum wages with Bernie Sanders, then Hillary may want to double down on efforts to rush out the sequel as both Amazon and Walmart have decided to slash prices of "What Happened" by 40% before the books even hit shelves.


After Hillary"s publisher Simon and Schuster suggested a price of $30, Amazon slashed prices to $17.99 earlier today...




...and Walmart quickly matched...




Of course, the reviews have already started to pour into Amazon even though no one has a copy of the book yet.  Isaac apparently hated the book because he"s tired of hearing Hillary "blame her failure on sexism."





"What happened is she can not take responsibility for many of her own actions and blames her failure on sexism.



Ironically, it"s things like this that cause people on the fence go to the other side just to spite her."





Meanwhile, DirtBird thought the book was great...at balancing out his uneven table...




Finally, for those who are interested in what Hillary has to say in "What Happened" but just don"t have time to read a book right now, we found this summary to be a fairly accurate portrayal:


Hillary


* * *


For those who missed it, here is The Onion"s uncanny prediction of Hillary"s latest failure from last Friday...


Fact or Fiction:





CHAPPAQUA, NY - Saying it would provide a candid account of her experiences writing an unsuccessful tell-all, sources confirmed Thursday that Hillary Clinton is already working on a follow-up book casting blame for the failures of her previous memoir What Happened.





“From my agent negotiating that underwhelming deal with Simon & Schuster, to the graphic designer’s lackluster cover art, to my so-called supporters who couldn’t be bothered to drop $17.99 for the hardcover copy - everyone had a hand in undermining my last book’s success,” reads a passage from the introduction to Clinton’s What Also Happened, which repeatedly decries her prior book’s “indecipherable” font and dedicates an entire chapter to lashing out at her copy editor for making her look like “an idiot third-grader.”



“I’ll never forget how Amazon buried me and how Barnes & Noble completely sabotaged me by displaying my book way in the back in that no man’s land by the CDs. Frankly, it’s obvious I got screwed on all sides.”





Accusing them of stealing her spotlight, the book reportedly concludes with a long list of every other celebrity who published a memoir in the past year.



Source: The Onion

Sunday, September 3, 2017

"Ole Miss Goes Bananas": Dear Parents, How's This For A $40K A Year Education?

What new college campus PC outrage could top ESPN"s decision to remove an Asian announcer named Robert Lee from calling a UVA game? One might reasonably think, impossible! But campus snowflakes have done it again, and this time it"s a single discarded banana peel which sent a college fraternity event hosting campus "leaders" into meltdown and general panic.


As one prominent columnist put it, "Ole Miss Goes Bananas" - we truly wish this was merely an over the top parody featured in The Onion, but unfortunately the triggered victims" tears are all to real. The Daily Mississippian broke the story this week, which quickly went viral:





This weekend, leaders from Ole Miss Greek life convened upon Camp Hopewell in Lafayette County for a three-day retreat designed to build leaders and bring campus closer together. The retreat was cut short Saturday night, however, after three black students found a banana peel in a tree in front of one of the camp’s cabins.



The students shared what they found with National Pan-Hellenic Council leaders, sparking a day’s worth of camp-wide conversation surrounding symbolism, intended or not. In the midst of the open and sometimes heated discussion, senior accounting major Ryan Swanson said he put the banana peel in the tree when he could not find a trashcan nearby.




The offending fruit peel in question. 


That"s right, a random discarded fruit peel ultimately led to the cancellation of an entire weekend event "designed to build leaders" which instead ended in "tears and frustration" as organizers “didn’t feel safe”. And then of course came the inevitable university action plans, flurry of letters exchanged, and sensitivity meetings. Bleary-eyed and shaken students had to text friends and family to come pick them up early (sounds like Kindergarten carpool pick-up time). The Daily Mississippian continues:





Alexa Lee Arndt, interim director of Fraternity and Sorority Life, said she was one of the only university staff members acting in an administrative capacity at the weekend retreat. Monday afternoon, she sent a letter to all campus chapter presidents, council officers and chapter advisers, confirming the incident and outlining the university’s plans.



“To be clear, many members of our community were hurt, frightened, and upset by what occurred at IMPACT … Because of the underlying reality many students of color endure on a daily basis, the conversation manifested into a larger conversation about race relations today at the University of Mississippi,” Arndt wrote in the letter acquired by The DM.



...Katrina Caldwell, vice chancellor for diversity and community engagement, said her office was asked to put a plan together to handle the weekend’s incident on campus.



As the story went national by the end of week, and with the original Daily Mississippian report garnering 100,000 views, one event organizer accused the media of racism, writing that she “understood the potential pitfalls of allowing white journalists to write our story.” Perhaps this is the one good thing about this story: columnists generally laughed at the ordeal, and some national media headlines which attempted to frame the story objectively still came off sounding like parodies - all of which naturally led to further triggering at Ole Miss. Take for instance The Washington Times story, titled University of Mississippi event cut short over discarded banana peel. Nothing really more needs to be said beyond this succinct (and elegantly absurd) headline, yet the effected students persist in their demands to be taken seriously. 


Makala McNeil, the student who blamed "white journalists" for wrongly framing the story, subsequently wrote an editorial which provided emotional play-by-play recounting the moment the discarded banana peel was noticed:





As we approached the cabin, she abruptly stopped. Her eyes widened. Her jaw dropped. She frantically pointed at a tree, exclaiming, “Look! Look! In the tree!” It was a banana, dangling from a limb.



My heart dropped instantly. I began to scan the area around us to see if we were in any immediate harm. Once we realized we were alone, questions started flying: “Was this here this morning?” “There’s no coincidence that this happened right after we just got done talking about race, right?”



But McNeil goes on to acknowledge the central question at the heart of the entire non-event while still defending her right to be triggered: could it really be that a student merely threw out a banana peel after innocently consuming the banana? She writes:





Regardless whether last weekend’s incident was an honest mistake or a malicious threat, our response as black Greeks at the University of Mississippi was valid and authentic, especially given the present state of race relations in our country and at our university.



Apparently eating bananas can now only be classified as an "honest mistake" or "malicious threat". Senior Ryan Swanson confessed to having discarded the peel after the "triggered" students asked who did it in a group session before the event was canceled. Swanson said he simply didn"t see a trashcan and flung the peel into the tree. He issued a lengthy apology. But we do sincerely hope for his sake the snowflake mob at Ole Miss doesn"t now try to ruin his life. 


Rod Dreher, writing at The American Conservative magazine, summarized the whole episode best:





"So let me get this straight. Three black students freaked out because they saw a banana peel in a tree while at a mixed-race fraternity-sorority retreat. The entire retreat ground to a halt so everybody could sit around and emote about the banana peel. A frat boy confessed that he had tossed the peel into the tree because he couldn’t find a trash can — then he promptly abased himself for having committed an offense against racial correctness. The freakout got even freakier, with some black students saying they didn’t feel “safe”. Because of a banana peel. Then the entire retreat was cancelled, and now it’s going to be a campus-wide Thing at Ole Miss. Over a banana peel a frat boy threw into a tree because he couldn’t find a trash can."



And more from Dreher: "This idiot country is losing its damn mind. Our universities are training students to be total neurotics. If you are an actual adult who wails and gnashes her teeth at the sight of a banana peel, you ought to question whether you are mature enough for college. And if you are an actual adult who lacks the spine to tell students who freak out over banana peels to grow up, you ought to question whether you might be Stuart Smalley."



And what next?


It now seems mass triggering events are a weekly phenomenon on college campuses. Will even "the case of the discarded banana peel" be matched for its absurdity? No doubt, more will come as campus education and culture continues its tailspin into the abyss of social justice warrior mass meltdown panic and accompanying absurdism. Dear parents, how"s this for a $40K a year education?

Thursday, August 24, 2017

ESPN Prez Defends Idiotic Decision To Create A National Controversy That Never Existed

ESPN President John Skipper should probably lookup the meaning of "primum non nocere."  Medical school students all across the country are taught this Latin phrase, meaning "first, do no harm," on their first day of classes as a reminder that, given any problem, their first priority should be to simply not make it worse than it already is.


Unfortunately, Skipper doesn"t seem to subscribe to this theory because if he did he would realize that sometimes the best way to address a controversy that never should have happened is simply to keep your mouth shut and "do no further harm."  Alas, Skipper"s clearly not a doctor and thus we"re all stuck having to read another statement from ESPN attempted to explain why they made a truly moronic decision.


Here"s the new statement in which ESPN now makes it seem as if it wasn"t actually their decision to pull Robert Lee off the air in Virginia, but rather Lee"s decision intended to avoid "social media hectoring and trolling"....





"Given the amount of media attention being generated by on of the countless, routine decisions our local production teams make every day, I wanted to make sure you have the facts.  There was never any concern - by anyone, at any level - that Robert Lee"s name would offend anyone watching the Charlottesville game.



Among our Charlotte production staff there was a question as to whether - in these divisive times -- Robert"s assignment might create a distraction, or even worse, expose him to social media hectoring and trolling.  Since Robert was their primary concern, they consulted with him directly.  He expressed some personal trepidation about the assignment and, when offered the chance to do the Youngstown State / Pitt game instead, opted for that game -- in part because he lives in Albany and would be able to get home to his family on Saturday evening. 



I"m disappointed that the good intentions of our Charlotte colleagues have been intentionally hijacked by someone with a personal agenda, and sincerely appreciate Robert"s personal input and professionalism throughout this episode."





...because this path worked out really well for avoiding "social media hectoring and trolling."



Of course, Skipper"s new statement, which makes it seems as if the decision was all Lee"s idea, somewhat contradicts ESPN"s original statement that said it just "felt right to all parties."





“We collectively made the decision with Robert to switch games as the
tragic events in Charlottesville were unfolding, simply because of the
coincidence of his name. In that moment it felt right to all parties.
It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret
that who calls play by play for a football game has become an issue.”



Skipper, do us all a favor and read the first sentence of this post again...


* * *


For those who managed to ignore this story line so far, below is our post from yesterday.


We"ve been saying this a lot lately, but just when you thought the political climate in this country couldn"t get any more wacky ESPN has to go and pull an Asian-American announcer, who just happens to be named Robert Lee, off the William and Mary vs. University of Virginia college football game because of concerns they might create a mass-triggering of America"s snowflakes. 


Is this even real life anymore?  So the fragile millennial culture now demands that you should be thrown in jail if you call them by the wrong pronoun but it"s totally fine if their insecurities literally derail a person"s career because they refuse to be "assaulted" by the name his parents happened to give him?


Outkick the Coverage broke the story last night with this summary:





In a story that seems made for The Onion, but is actually true, according to multiple Outkick fans inside ESPN MSESPN decided to pull an Asian college football announcer named Robert Lee off the William and Mary at University of Virginia college football game because they were concerned that having an ASIAN FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER NAMED ROBERT LEE would be offensive to some viewers.



Did I mention that Robert Lee is Asian?



Is this even real life anymore? This might even be worse than MSESPN apologizing for the fantasy football slave draft a couple of weeks ago.



To avoid offending left wing idiots Robert Lee, the Asian college football announcer, not the Confederate General who died in 1870 and shares a name with him, was switched to the Youngstown State at Pittsburgh game and Dave Weekley will now call the William and Mary at University of Virginia game.



Robert Lee



Meanwhile, ESPN issued the following statement:





“We collectively made the decision with Robert to switch games as the tragic events in Charlottesville were unfolding, simply because of the coincidence of his name. In that moment it felt right to all parties. It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play by play for a football game has become an issue.”



Not surprisingly, ESPN has been mercilessly mocked on social media for their truly moronic decision as #RobertLee quickly shot to the top of Twitter"s trending board.





Of course, ESPN may be a little sensitive to race issues after being blasted all last week for hosting a fantasy football auction that many people likened to a slave auction...


Wednesday, August 23, 2017

ESPN Pulls Asian Announcer Named Robert Lee To Avoid A Mass Triggering Event

We"ve been saying this a lot lately, but just when you thought the political climate in this country couldn"t get any more wacky ESPN has to go and pull an Asian-American announcer, who just happens to be named Robert Lee, off the William and Mary vs. University of Virginia college football game because of concerns they might create a mass-triggering of America"s snowflakes. 


Is this even real life anymore?  So the fragile millennial culture now demands that you should be thrown in jail if you call them by the wrong pronoun but it"s totally fine if their insecurities literally derail a person"s career because they refuse to be "assaulted" by the name his parents happened to give him?


Outkick the Coverage broke the story last night with this summary:





In a story that seems made for The Onion, but is actually true, according to multiple Outkick fans inside ESPN MSESPN decided to pull an Asian college football announcer named Robert Lee off the William and Mary at University of Virginia college football game because they were concerned that having an ASIAN FOOTBALL ANNOUNCER NAMED ROBERT LEE would be offensive to some viewers.



Did I mention that Robert Lee is Asian?



Is this even real life anymore? This might even be worse than MSESPN apologizing for the fantasy football slave draft a couple of weeks ago.



To avoid offending left wing idiots Robert Lee, the Asian college football announcer, not the Confederate General who died in 1870 and shares a name with him, was switched to the Youngstown State at Pittsburgh game and Dave Weekley will now call the William and Mary at University of Virginia game.



Robert Lee



Meanwhile, ESPN issued the following statement:





“We collectively made the decision with Robert to switch games as the tragic events in Charlottesville were unfolding, simply because of the coincidence of his name. In that moment it felt right to all parties. It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play by play for a football game has become an issue.”



Not surprisingly, ESPN has been mercilessly mocked on social media for their truly moronic decision as #RobertLee quickly shot to the top of Twitter"s trending board.






Of course, ESPN may be a little sensitive to race issues after being blasted all last week for hosting a fantasy football auction that many people likened to a slave auction...


Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Scaramucci Listed As Dead In Latest Harvard Alumni Directory

It was a bad day for Anthony Scaramucci: first the Mooch was fired just ten days after he was first hired, in the brief process getting served with divorce papers and missing the birth of his baby while unleashing a bizarre rant for the ages, and then shortly after, his now former boss, the president of the US, the same one who earlier said there was no chaos at the White House, tweeted that it was "A great day at the White House"


In this case, one of the responses to the Trump tweet was substantially more informative than the original:



And then, adding insult to pink slip, CBS reported that Harvard Law School apologized for erroneously listing Anthony Scaramucci as dead in its new alumni directory.


No, really: a directory mailed to alumni this week included an asterisk by the name of Scaramucci, a 1989 graduate of the Cambridge, Massachusetts, university, indicating he had died.





A statement from the law school apologizes for the error and says it will be corrected in future editions. It doesn"t provide an explanation for the error. The directory is published every five years and is available only to alumni of the Ivy League law school.



If there was any consolation for Scaramucci, it came from People Magazine, which reported that the lawyer representing the estranged wife of ousted White House communications director denied the NY Post report that the couple ended their marriage because of President Trump.


"I don’t know where that came from, but it is not accurate. It is a false fact,” divorce lawyer Jill Stone, who represents Deidre Ball, told People magazine on Monday.


So at least that wasn"t Trump"s fault. And now that he is once again out of the public eye, Scaramucci may finally get what he requested just 48 hours ago: a plea to leave his family out of it.



To top off an emotional day for all, here is some humor from The Onion:





Following his abrupt dismissal just 10 days after being named White House communications director, Anthony Scaramucci reportedly received an outpouring of sympathetic texts Monday from friends and family expressing that they were “so fuckin’ sorry to hear about this shit.”



“My deepest motherfuckin’ condolences, Tony, it’s terrible to hear you got shit-canned by these ass-munching cocks in D.C.,” read a text message in part, just one of dozens sent by old buddies at Goldman Sachs, current business partners at SkyBridge Capital, and extended family in New Jersey in response to his “goddamn bullshit” dismissal.



“Sorry to hear those bitches gave you the fucking ax, Mooch. That jackass [John] Kelly got no fucking clue what a good fuckin’ dude you are. Just know your mother and I always got your fucking back.” At press time, Scaramucci’s New York office was reportedly filled with flower arrangements and handwritten cards lamenting that this was “absolute fucking trash.”


Friday, July 14, 2017

Visualizing The Dark Side Of The Web

The term Dark Web is evocative. It conjures up images of hitmen, illegal drugs, and pedophilia. One imagines a place where the dark side of human nature flourishes away from the eyes – and laws – of society at large.


Today’s infographic, from Cartwright King Solicitors, cuts through the mystique and provides an entertaining and practical overview of the Deep Web and the Dark Web.






Courtesy of: Visual Capitalist



LAYERS (PART 1)


Much like the ocean, the internet is divided into defined layers.


The internet most people are familiar with is called the Surface Web. Websites in this layer tend to be indexed by search engines and can be easily accessed using standard browsers. Believe it or not, this familiar part of the web only comprises less than 10% of the total data on the internet.


The next layer down, we encounter the largest portion on the internet – the Deep Web. Basically, this is the layer of the internet that is quasi-accessible and not indexed by search engines. It contains medical records, government documents, and other, mostly innocuous information that is password protected, encrypted, or simply not hyperlinked. To reach beyond this layer of the internet, users need to use Tor or a similar technology.


LAYERS (PART 2)


Tor, which stands for “The Onion Router”, is how the majority of people anonymously access the Dark Web. Tor directs internet traffic through complex layers of relays to conceal a user’s location and identity (hence the onion analogy).



In 2004, Tor was released as an open source software. This allowed the Dark Web to grow as people could anonymously access websites.


Since anonymity is sacrosanct in the deep reaches of the Internet, transactions are typically conducted using cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin or Ethereum. People making purchases in Dark Web markets are (understandably) concerned with privacy, so they often use a series of methods to transfer funds. Below is a common transaction flow on the Dark Web.



Tumblers are used as an extra step to ensure privacy. A conventional equivalent would be moving funds through banks located in countries with strict bank-secrecy laws (e.g. Cayman Islands, Panama).


WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN THERE?


The concept of the Dark Web isn’t vastly different from the Surface Web. There are message boards (e.g. 8chan, nntpchan), places you can buy things (e.g. Alphabay, Hansa), and blogs (e.g. OnionNews, Deep Web Radio). The rules, or rather a lack thereof, is what makes the Dark Web unique.


Anything that is illegal to sell (or discuss) on the Surface Web is available in the Dark Web. Personal information, drugs, weapons, malware, DDoS attacks, hacking services, fake accounts for social media, and contract killing services are all available for sale.


The Dark Web is full of criminal activity, but it’s also place where dissidents and whistle-blowers can anonymously share information. In countries with restrictive internet surveillance, the Dark Web may be the only place to safely voice criticisms against government and other powerful entities.


MEASURING IN THE DARK


Many .onion sites are only up temporarily, so determining the true size of the Dark Web is nearly impossible. That said, Intelliagg and Darksum recently attempted to map out the Tor-based Dark Web by using a script to crawl reachable sites. They found 29,532 websites; however, 54% of them disappeared during the course of their research. Another recent study found that 87% of Dark Web sites don’t link to any other sites.





It is more accurate to view the darkweb as a set of largely isolated dark silos.


– Graph Theoretic Properties of the Dark-web



Recent changes to Tor, such as 50-character hidden service URLs, have made the Dark Web an even more untraceable place, so we may never fully know what lies beneath the surface of the internet. Based on the parts we have seen, perhaps that’s for the best.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

California Senator Forced To Pull Bill Banning "Fake News" After Realizing It's Idiotic

California is known far and wide for it"s wacky regulations.  In fact, just last fall we wrote about SB 1383, a very significant piece of legislation signed into law by Jerry Brown which requires a 40% reduction in methane gas emissions from cow flatulence by 2030 (no, really...you can take a look here: "Here Are Some Of The Ridiculous New State Laws That Will Take Effect January 1st - Happy New Year!")


But a recent piece of legislation introduced by California Assemblyman Ed Chau (D-Monterey Park), "The California Political Cyberfraud Abatement Act or AB 1104 for short, gives the "cow fart" bill a run for its money in terms of its complete idiocy.  The bill, filed Wednesday in the Assembly’s Committee on Privacy and Consumer Affairs, would have effectively made it a crime to be wrong on the Internet.


The text of the bill implicated anyone who writes, publishes or even shares news stories that could be false, if those news stories are later found to have had an impact on an election.  From the bill:





This bill would modify the definition of the terms “political cyberfraud” and “political Web site” to include Internet Web sites that urge or appear to urge the support or opposition of candidates for public office. The bill would also make it unlawful for a person to knowingly and willingly make, publish or circulate on a Web site, or cause to be made, published, or circulated in any writing posted on a Web site, a false or deceptive statement designed to influence the vote on any issue submitted to voters at an election or on any candidate for election to public office.



And even though author Ed Chau described AB 1104 as "an important step forward in the fight against "fake news" and deceptive campaign tactics", the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF), a digital-rights advocacy group, said the bill was “so obviously unconstitutional, we had to double check that it was real.”





Memo to California Assemblymember Ed Chau: you can’t fight fake news with a bad law.



On Tuesday, the California Assembly’s Committee on Privacy and Consumer Affairs, which Chau chairs, will consider A.B. 1104—a censorship bill so obviously unconstitutional, we had to double check that it was real.



This bill will fuel a chaotic free-for-all of mudslinging with candidates and others being accused of crimes at the slightest hint of hyperbole, exaggeration, poetic license, or common error. While those accusations may not ultimately hold up, politically motivated prosecutions—or the threat of such—may harm democracy more than if the issue had just been left alone. Furthermore, A.B. 1104 makes no exception for satire and parody, leaving The Onion and Saturday Night Live open to accusations of illegal content. Nor does it exempt news organizations who quote deceptive statements made by politicians in their online reporting—even if their reporting is meant to debunk those claims. And what of everyday citizens who are duped by misleading materials: if 1,000 Californians retweet an incorrect statement by a presidential candidate, have they all broken the law?



At a time when political leaders are promoting “alternative facts” and branding unflattering reporting as “fake news,” we don’t think it’s a good idea to give the government more power to punish speech.



As of right now it looks as if the legislation has been pulled after Chau just cancelled a hearing originally scheduled for Monday.  Presumably Chau got a little pushback from mainstream media outlets after they realized his bill would effectively ban them, and their fake "Russian hacking" narratives from California.


Here is the full text of the bill for your reading pleasure: 

Saturday, March 4, 2017

Need 400x Leverage? Mike Tyson Will Be Your Broker

Not The Onion... 


On the week when The Dow crossed above 21,000 amid multi-year highs in retail equity inflows, none other than Mike Tyson reminded us with a tweet of how these runs always end.



Launched last year, Mike Tyson"s retail brokerage firm Trade12.com allows up to 400x leverage on FX, commodities and futures on stocks... and don"t worry there are plenty of education tools.



What could go wrong?


Well judging from the "small print" on the website - plenty...





Trade12 is owned and operated by UK Company Global Fin Services Limited (Reg. No: 09836699) operation address Tomimae 5, Tallinn 10145, Estonia.



Global Fin Services Limited is a subsidiary of Exo Capital Markets Limited (Reg. No: 68798) located at Ajeltake Road, Trust Company Complex, MH 96960, Ajeltake Island - Majuro, Marshall Islands.



With Rep. office in Riga, Maskavas iela 224 - 69. Regulated by Eyar Financial Corp Limited (Company No: 014641), Republic of Vanuatu.



Trade12 do not solicit and accept clients from USA and France.



So to summarize, Tyson"s brokerage is domicled in Estonia, regulated by Vanuatu, andnot available to Americans.


Sounds legit?


Did Mike Tyson just ring the bell?


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Senate Votes To Gag Elizabeth Warren After Anti-Sessions Outburst

Not The Onion. Following a scathing speech against Trump"s nominee for Attorney General, Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell said Senator Elizabeth Warren had "impugned the motives and conduct of our colleague from Alabama," violating the so-called "Rule 19". By a vote of 49-43, Senator Warren was then barred from speaking on the floor until Senator Sessions nomination debate is complete (likely tomorrow evening).



Sen. Steve Daines (R-Mont.), who was presiding over the the Senate during the Massachusetts Democrat"s speech - who at times was repeating words being said to him by GOP Senate floor staff - initially interrupted Warren to warn her that she was on the brink of violating the rule.



As The Hill reports, the drama on the Senate floor comes after McConnell interrupted Warren"s speech accusing her of breaking the upper chamber"s guidelines.





“The senator has impugned the motives and conduct of our colleague from Alabama,” McConnell said from the Senate floor.



“I call the senator to order under the provisions of Rule 19.”



Under the Senate’s “Rule 19,” senators are not allowed to “directly or indirectly, by any form of words impute to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator."





Warren offered a blistering speech against Sessions"s nomination, arguing he wouldn’t stand up to Trump’s “campaign of bigotry.”





“He made derogatory and racist comments that should have no place in our justice system,” she said.



“To put Sen. Sessions in charge of the Department of Justice is an insult to African-Americans.”



Warren quoted a 1986 speech from the late Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) who referred to Sessions as a “throwback to a shameful era” and a “disgrace” to the Justice Department.



McConnell defended the decision, noting Warren had been warned.





"Sen. Warren was giving a lengthy speech. She had appeared to violate the rule. She was warned. She was given an explanation," he said after the vote. "Nevertheless, she persisted."






McConnell also specifically pointed to Warren quoting a letter from the late Coretta Scott King, civil rights activist and wife of Martin Luther King Jr., as evidence that she had broken the rules.Coretta Scott King wrote in 1986, during Sessions"s failed confirmation hearing for a federal judgeship, that he “had used the awesome power of his office to chill the free exercise of the vote by black citizens" as a U.S. attorney in Alabama. When Warren said she was "surprised" by McConnell"s actions and asked to continue, the Republican objected and was backed up by Daines, effectively ending Warren"s speech. 


Warren rejected McConnell"s move, tweeting to her millions of followers that





"I will not be silent while the Republicans rubber stamp an AG who will never stand up to the @POTUS when he breaks the law."



Of course, Democrats did what they do best in response - unleashed a social media frenzy of hurt fellings capped by the hashtag #LetLizSpeak.


But Senator Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) - the Senate"s top Democrat - had the last word... "If the average American heard someone read a letter from Coretta Scott King ... they would not be offended, It seems to me that we could use Rule 19 almost every day on the floor of the Senate. This is selective enforcement."